Whoreoscopes of the Aphrozodiac -Sagittarius


SAGITTARIUS  (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Element: Fire

Quality: Mutable

Ruling Planet: Jupiter


According to numerous (legit) online articles, Sagittariuses (Sagittari?) are truth seekers – searching far and wide for the true meaning of life in an attempt to give weight to their boring existences. Your symbolic representation is either the Archer (flinging around phallic arrows, for the piercing of wanton flesh) or the Centaur, or in most cases the Centarcher. As clear thinkers you enjoy it when people agree with your point of view (unlike the rest of us who absolutely fucking hate it when people agree with our position…), you’re also a bit changeable, not as bad as the two-faced Gemini but certainly not to be trusted. The downsides to being half man half horse, apart from the obvious difficulty in finding shoes and constantly having your chest on display, is that apparently you’re a fucking stroppy bitch. You want to embrace your horsey roots and stray far and wide across pastures new, not wanting to be hemmed in by those around you: family, friends, co-workers, had better watch out because you’re a mean knowledge seeking machine who doesn’t abide by loyalty, vows, or standard working weeks. YOU’RE A FREE SPIRIT.


Apparently the Moon is doing something odd so expect to be particularly emotional and ‘introspective’ this month as you enter the season of holiday cheer, if you end up curb-stomping a child with your hooves just tell the shocked parents that they shouldn’t have entered your personal sphere and flounce off into the sunset.


Despite your marish mood, Venus is apparently swinging through in the early parts of your sign, so should be making you feel all randy. Cosmo thinks that a pony-play loving gentleman will come along and attempt to saddle you up during this time; this is your opportunity to reinforce the patriarchy that little bit more by letting him into your pants as long as he flashes the cash, because ‘it won’t be so much about the dollars as it’ll be about the efforts a certain someone will go to make you notice’ (read £££=chivalry). If you’re already ‘hooked-up’ like a proverbial sex-fish (it’s definitely a thing) then do anything and everything you can to avoid having ‘sloppy sex’ which apparently means scheduling fun time and practicing dressage for those really saucy moments.


What the hell is a horse going to do with money? You don’t even have pockets!! And if in doubt, you’ve got that mystery gentleman to keep you in hay.