Whoreoscopes – Capricorn


Capricorn (Dec 21-Jan 19)

Element: Earth

Quality: Cardinal

Ruling Planet: Saturn


You’ll all be pleased to know that Capricorns apparently exhibit the characteristics of hard workers. These dedicated workaholics, ceaselessly and tirelessly put in a full day of commitment to their jobs, projects, or general working day at any and every opportunity. Which, when considering they’re born during the Christmas period when no-one is at work anyway,seems a tad ironic. As they are notoriously practical people, Capricorns despise the senseless exuberance of the holidays and instead look forward to the bleak January period, where they may return to the office and resume their roles as pragmatic cardinal overlords.

Seeing as your main quality is that of ‘Cardinal’ – meaning that you view yourself as being of ‘foremost importance’ – Capricorns turn out to be pretty pig-headed for a goat.

In terms of your zodiac symbol the Goat has been interpreted in a number of ways. Classically viewed as stubborn and horny beings (alas, not the good ‘horny’) they tend to find themselves aimlessly ascending to the top of mountains. Traditionally this mountaineering has been interpreted as a metaphor for success and striving to reach the ‘top of your field’, but in reality it just means that you’re far away from the rest of civilisation and don’t suffer from vertigo. Nice one.


Venus is in retrograde throughout January (meaning it’s spinning in the opposite direction to the sun…or something) resulting in a lot of celestial upheaval. Resultantly the internet is warning you not to purchase luxury art items so if you were thinking of purchasing a Monet painting, I’d leave it for a month. The moon is also doing some funky stuff. With a New Moon rising for New Years, it’s apparently all about a ‘New You’. That’s right, the old ewe was awful, paint your horns and shine your hoofs because it’s a brand new 2014 and it’s your time to clippity-clop your way to the top.


The full moon on the 15th may cause issues with loved ones as you start to get crabby, but seeing as Goats are traditionally herd animals, I think you should fight the corner to insist on an open relationship, or perhaps even suggest an orgy? There are already 5 planets floating through your sign, why not add 5 more lovers into the mix? Seeing as Venus (the planet of love) is spinning backwards, the saucy bitch will be making you feel all self-critical and insecure. Though that’s probably more due to the classic post-christmas pot-belly we all develop (and to which I’m rather attached). Don’t worry though – just work on developing the ‘New You’ through spending ridiculous amounts on clothes and make-up, possibly develop an eating disorder, and you’ll feel totally fine again! I mean, you won’t look the same, but darling THAT’S THE POINT. Goats aren’t sexy. Lambs are.


Apparently the fact that there will be another New Moon at the end of the month means that this is the ideal time to start laying down some investments. You won’t see any profits until halfway through the year, but by golly you have to start now! Prepare your bank account, because money is going to magically appear! Use your famous goat-like stubbornness and plow on ahead, taking no prisoners, you are master of this mountain (even if you just work in Greggs) and no-one can stop you. As always, put your own dreams and goals first, and don’t back down from any challenges, sharpen your horns if you must. This year, is your year. You may end up as Kleftiko but at least you’ll have tried.