Activi-her

activiher

I don’t know where the mythology of women enjoying yogurt started but it’s recently gotten out of control…

Switch to any channel during an Ad break and I guarantee you’ll see anywhere between 1 and 5 yogurt adverts in which tousled-haired beauties giggle amongst their friends whilst seductively fellating spoons and winking. Companies want you to believe that their Yogurt is imbued with magical powers, one bite of their ‘silky smooth’ pot of curiously white viscous fluid can give you great hair, great skin, prevent bloating, aid slimming, turn you into a centaur and is apparently equitable with an idealised half naked Fireman power-hosing your clitoris in a bubble bath.

Now I’m no scientist, but all of these seem pretty fucking far-fetched, pretty sexist, and just damned idiotic, especially the advert showing  Martine Mccutcheon eating yogurt at a New Years Eve party on London’s South Bank

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! HERE HAVE  A POT OF THICK SOUR MILK!!

Said no-one ever

Upon watching and rewatching these ridiculous adverts it seems that yogurt marketing can be split into several themes:

1) They aid healthy digestive systems: As per Activia’s specially formed ‘Biffidus Regularis’ which promises to regulate your digestive system and beat bloating and constipation after 14 days. Personally if you haven’t managed to take a shit in 14 days I’d recommend putting down the yogurt and going to the doctor. Also after consulting a PhD Science student working with digestive bacterium, ‘Biffidus Regularis’ is pretty much ‘Madeupus Nonsensus’.

2) They can give you a make-over: Yes according to Perle De Lait one pot of yogurt can transform your knotty, greasy, spotty self into an airbrushed beauty with a complexion as smooth as their yogurt and a personality that is equally as bland as the taste!

3) Yogurt is the same as sex: This seems to be the reigning idea behind the new Muller Shite adverts which I mentioned earlier on, where one 99 calorie pot of not-really-chocolate is apparently as satisfying as a bubble bath, with an added phallic symbol attached. Now this is the one that really pissed me off, not only does it trivialise Women’s desires (YOGURT IS NOT AS GOOD AS SEX…NOT EVEN IF YOU USE IT DURING…ALSO DON’T USE FLAVOURED ONES DURING SEX THAT’S HOW YOU GET THRUSH*), but it also gives Men an unrealistic standard to achieve. Sorry to shatter people’s fantasies but Firemen don’t actually look like that. Maybe the ones in calendars do, but the majority of them are just hardworking lads and not buffed out models who are at your beck and call to put out the fire in your pants whilst you’re busy dining on pots of bullshit.

In fact, if you watch any TV ad where someone is consuming a pot of thick, white, gooey, creamy liquid-based food, be it yogurt or ice-cream, the spoon is most likely attached to the lips of a self-satisfied woman in a tight dress. Perhaps the image of a man guzzling what resembles a pot of cum is simply too much for our heteronormative society to handle. As Dean Burnett writes in the Guardian, attempting to find some scientific evidence for women’s fetishization of yogurt (Spoiler Alert: there is none),

“Western society is unquestionably still dominated by heterosexual males, and, at the risk of being incredibly crude, perhaps the sight of other men happily consuming viscous white fluid makes them a bit uncomfortable? It’s fine if women do it, of course. That’s not an issue.”

And there-in lies the rub. So to speak.

This is perhaps the most irritating aspect of the yogurt industry. It’s gendered marketing. Have you ever seen a man eating yogurt? Does your husband, father,uncle, grandfather, brother or boyfriend eat yogurt? Perhaps they would like to share their story with us here and come out of the yogurt-closet? We’ll embrace them with open arms and flowing hair after we’ve put down our pots of Yoplait and have finally taken that dump we’ve been working towards for 14 days.

This fab article ‘Gendered Marketing Really Gets On My Tits’ gives a hilarious and very accurate summarisation of the type of gender roles that adverts are fostering. While researching this article (note: “research” means getting rageful enough to write something) I youtubed ‘men eating yogurt’ and all that came up was yogurt eating competitions, which fits into this whole idea of men’s products testing their masculinity.

BRO HOW FAST CAN YOU CONSUME THIS TUB OF CHEWY MILK!?, HOW MANY GALLONS CAN YOU CHUCK DOWN YOUR GULLET!? COME ON LADS DO IT HARDER BETTER FASTER STRONGER MORE ERECT.

In fact the challenge to your masculinity can be tested across not only yogurt, but all kinds of products! From razors (Note only professional sportsmen can shave) to chocolate (YORKIE: It’s not for girls) and crisps (McCOYS: Man Crisps) every action can be a proverbial peacock strut of how massive your balls are and just how big your dick is. Sadly after years of eating Yorkies and McCoys I have yet to spring a dick in my panties, but fingers crossed!

In fact the only passable advert that springs to mind about manly products is this advert for DOVE  for men. A fantastic parody of the ridiculous slow motion shampoo commercial hair that women are subjected to on a daily basis; when we’re not eating yogurt, salad, or worrying about the bags under our eyes.

(FYI shampoo is another thing that is apparently equitable to sex, just look at any Herbal Essences advert. Dear Herbal Essences, please note the thing making us climax in the shower is not your shampoo, its the pulsating shower head. Sincerely, women everywhere)

So anyway, back to yogurt.

It seems some bright spark has noticed the seemingly gaping hole in the market for male yogurt (interpret that sentence as you wish) and has come up with the GENIUS idea to launch: BROGURT. Yes it’s seriously a thing.

I haven’t seen the TV adverts but I imagine the tag line is something along the lines of:

BROGURT, THE WHITE FLUID THAT ISN’T SHAMEFUL TO SHARE WITH YOUR FRIENDS AT THE GYM.

According to Men’s Fitness (paragon of knowledge and TOTALLY achievable bodies that it is) the newly launched POWERFUL! YOGURT comes in ‘Man sized 8 ounce cups’ which means that once you’ve finished slurping it all up you can re-appropriate the packaging into a handy homemade fleshlight!  (PS. If you haven’t read any of the articles regarding Women and seducing them on Men’s Fitness, give it a go, many laughs to be had).

And on that note, I’m going to grab a pot of yogurt, take a herbal essence shower, and wait for some sixpacked man guzzling brogurt to come and do me with his Single-barrel pump-action yoghurt rifle

-VJ

*actually you can use natural yogurt to soothe the irritation of Thrush (NOT CURE IT JUST STOP THE ITCHING) – it’s PH balanced so restores the natural balance of your vagina, but do get some Canesten as well. Just don’t eat it after putting it up there…