Whoreoscopes – Aquarius


Aquarius: January 20th – February 18th

Element: Air

Quality: Fixed

Ruling Planet: Saturn, Uranus.


One of my usual sources had this piece of staggering insight about the damp and soggy star sign that is Aquarius:

‘Aquarians are the perfect representatives for the Age of Aquarius’

Thank god for that. One more life mystery solved!

I mean, No shit Sherlock, funny that the star sign derived from the constellation Aquarius would be perfectly suited to representing the fucking age of that Star sign. Jesus Christ.

Anyway, you moist lot are apparently pretty humanitarian in your actions – though why you can’t share some of that water constantly pouring out of your jugs to some of the people in Africa I don’t know – and are ‘keenly interested in making the world a better place’. You should probably spend the month devising a charity to launch.

In regards to your symbolism, the water carrier (usually depicted as a man or boy pouring water – Women can’t be trusted with liquids you see) is symbolic of gift giving. The gift of water. I mean, it’s been a while but I still remember the Water Cycle from year 8 Geography class and I’m pretty sure condensation and evaporation are the key to giving water, not some naked tosser in the stars. All this means is that you tend to think of your thoughts and ideas as gifts to bestow upon the world. You’re also rather fixed in your opinions; so not only are you constantly bleating out shit, but you’re convinced by it too! Joy of Joys. Saturn and Uranus (teehee) come together to mix in equal parts stubbornness and visionary idealism (That’s right, Uranus is visionary) you have the chance to change the world through your stunning ideas and practical application. You just might come off as a dick whilst doing it.


So what’s in store for you this month?

Apparently  you’re feeling fucking lazy. Everyone else might be scrabbling to fulfill their ridiculous New Year’s resolutions of becoming entirely different people, but not you, oh no. You’re stuck reminiscing about the past and being all nostalgic. You’re busy tying up loose ends and preparing your full on leap into the future, that shit takes time yo.

So start small, change little things around yourself, tidy your space and mind or some sort of spiritual crap. Elle magazine suggests this is a time to face a longstanding limitation head on

perhaps the following thought:

“i.e. there’s only room for one scientist in the family and that’s your father”

You know, because only men can do science.

Fuck off.

Towards the end of the month the ‘Cancer Full Moon’ (sounds tumorous) revitalises you so you finally get off your wet soggy ass, you get a big boost in wellness and health so grab your running shoes and get going you lazy fuck.


The saucy bitch that is Venus moves into your sign by the end of January so expect things to suddenly get emotionally turbulent, you may even be feeling particularly horny at the very end of the month but this is only expected to last from the 30th to the 31st. My advice, call in sick to work and spend 24 hours masturbating, just to make sure you’ve made the most out of this heated “me” time.

After regaining your composure and normal functioning of your thighs after a spasmodic oragasm fest, the month ends with a similar notion of nostalgia as you start to romanticise your previous relationships and miss your ex, even if he was an abusive shit. Get ready to brood over loves lost and idealise the absolutely awful time you spent with them, Venus is in retrograde so she’s stirring up your emotional baggage just for the fun of it – she’s like that. thankfully the slut spins out of your sign in the middle of February allowing for the Hot blooded Mars to take her place; expect a surprising affair to blossom because Mars directs bad choices. Cosmo expects you’ll have a raunchy fling with an exotic man – read, will contract herpes from a guy calling himself Juan on an early winter break to Shagaluf.


Don’t forget, this is Birthday month! You’ll soon be flooded with events and presents all for you, you, you! Your sense of self and identity skyrockets due to the external validation of others, so perhaps now is the best time to Launch a business, perhaps you can save the children in Africa through a water fund, or even more exciting – Says Elle – DESIGN YOUR FIRST FORM FITTING DRESS. Or you know, spend the month working towards that Science degree the Patriarchy thinks you can’t achieve.

For some reason you’re still looking towards the past like some sort of mopey emo kid who can’t quite get over the fact that 2013 was over and done with quite some time ago, LET IT GO AQUARIUS FUCKING HELL. Time to end that which has been left unfinished and slip and slide your way into 2014.