A Dirty Weekend in Paris


I very much dislike Valentine’s day. I resent the idea that you should spend money on someone to show them how much you love them; the better the gift the bigger the love apparently, and I just think that’s a load of shit.

However, as Mortimer has just reminded me, Valentine’s Day is not an inherently bad thing. I’m not going to prattle on about the wankiness of commercial Valentine’s, because quite frankly I don’t want to sound bitter or ruin the excitement of others. And also, as Mortimer kindly just reminded me again, we are currently on the train to Paris for the weekend and I don’t have a leg to stand on.

I’d like to take this moment to share with you the hilarity of Mortimer (who is not a small man) squashed into a tiny Eurostar seat, off to spend Valentine’s weekend in one of the most conventionally romantic places in the world. I don’t know if you’ve read my other stories about Mortimer, but he’s not the most conventional chap. The vision of us both trudging around Paris surrounded by jumped up, loved up yuppies, all taking photos on the Pont des Arts, whilst I have a set of suspenders hidden under my skirt and a plug in my asshole is, quite frankly, laughable. But anyway, we are going, and in the most conventional of places I felt I should share with you some of the unconventional things we will be getting up to in the hope that this Valentine’s weekend you might push the boundaries in the bedroom to both of your delight.

Firstly, upon arrival, I will probably head to the bathroom and tidy up. VJ has discussed out the ins and outs of waxing (Wax on, Wax off.) but I can’t be dealing with the fuss. Largely because I have the most sensitive skin imaginable and it gets red and swollen (and not in a good sexual way), but also because I like my pubic hair. I like the way that it’s bouncy after I shower and because, as Caitlin Moran states, there are few things more pleasurable than running your fingers through a big furry muff. However, when it comes to Mortimer, some activities and underwear benefit from some trimming. I will also probably make myself cum in the shower. Or, as Mortimer often restricts, touch myself in the shower but not allow myself to cum. This is especially fun as it makes me entirely wanton and highly excitable.

Once relaxed, I will then look to Mortimer to decide what is going to go under my clothes for the day. I like this game a lot. Sometimes he’ll make me wear something horrendously uncomfortable. Once, he sent me out to collect breakfast wearing nipple clamps and just a loose t-shirt and jeans. That was painful. Other times he’ll choose something that I would never think to wear normally, like crotchless pants (unlikely if we’ll be using the metro as that’s asking for herpes) or no bra under a clingy top. My favourite is wearing stockings under a swingy skirt, so if you’re paying attention you’ll get a glimpse of the lace tops when I walk. When we walk around Paris during the day we’ll both share a secret and it really turns me on.

Now, when it comes to the evening itself, I’m sure that Mortimer has something planned. I have this suspicion based on the fact that last week we tried anal sex for the first time (well, my first time, not his) and it was a short lived affair. I can only think he will be excited about trying it again, especially in a place that is famous for romance, eroticism and debauchery.

You’re probably wondering what having a penis in your ass feels like, unless you have already tried it in which case I’m sure you’re thinking ‘ah, ouch’. I can’t sugar coat this: the first time isn’t hugely pleasurable from a stimulating point of view. Up until now I’ve just experienced smaller items (Mortimer’s fingers, a little blue rubber toy), but this was a different kettle of fish. However, you all know I derive a certain amount of pleasure from pain, and I wouldn’t be doing it or trying it if I didn’t feel that I would come to enjoy it over time. Much like when you have sex for the first time and you wonder why on earth people do it but you persevere anyway, that’s pretty much how I feel right now. Likelihood is that Mortimer will want to pursue that particular line of enjoyment, and I’m all up for it. I once asked him what men enjoy about anal sex and got the succinct answer ‘it’s tighter, warmer and more resilient’. I think if I had a penis I’d enjoy that too.

So, I know I’ve written a lot about some of the things Mortimer and I get up to, but never really how, and I feel like now would be a good time. How do you instigate anal sex or even just being tied up or crawling around the floor towards your boyfriends penis? Well the answer is always the same: with a conversation. VJ constantly tells me that she admires the way Mortimer and I communicate and I can honestly say it’s the key to a relationship, let alone the key to amazing sex. However, especially when it comes to sex, dressing up and crawling and seriously good orgasms don’t just happen. It all starts with an idea and then vocalising that idea. During the first few months of our relationship we both made a list of what we wanted to do, sexually, together. Mine was very vanilla at the time, but Mortimer’s consisted of three things; ‘have a threesome, put my cock in your ass, and have more sex abroad’. I’m feeling quite pleased that this weekend we’ll probably knock two off (more on the threesome another time…). Once you’ve had a conversation about it, or at least one of you has suggested something, everything falls into place. If you’re brand new to it, there will be a lot of giggling. I know I giggle a lot during sex with Mortimer because, let’s face it, you can’t take yourself too seriously when you’re lying face down on a bed with your ass in the air, butt plug in place, ready to resume sex, and some air decides to escape from your cunt.

Mortimer and I will most likely start things by undressing (if I’m wearing something special this usually involves me parading around for a while for photos or just for Mortimer’s enjoyment ) and a lot of kissing all over the body. Both Mortimer and I like skin; each other’s skin and the feeling of skin on skin and lips on skin. I wouldn’t think we’re alone in that, so I can definitely recommend taking a decent amount of time before sex to just touch and hold and kiss. I like that a lot. After that, we will take things slow, we’ll communicate a lot and get lost in each other for a couple of hours.

Now, after evening number one where we’ve both gotten over the sheer excitement of being abroad and being bad together, we’ll probably start to investigate dirty things to do. Where can we have sex next? Are there any huge mirrors around? Is there a huge high-up window I can be pressed up against? What implements do we have at our disposal? This is where Mortimer’s filthy imagination comes into play. He’s really fantastic and I can’t preempt what will occur. Needless to say, I shall report back next week! This is usually the unquantifiable and most challenging part for me. Usually Mortimer will come up with something that challenges me or is borderline socially acceptable. It’s in these situations I learn most about myself and my limits, emotionally and physically. You can try this wherever you are – challenge each other and push each other. It’s most likely that you’ll come across something that either of you won’t like, but it’s good to know your limits and if you talk about it then there’s no need for it to be embarrassing. As I said before, communication is key.

The rest of the weekend will probably be all the bit conventional. We’ll watch movies, sightsee, walk a lot and argue about the future of France. Really, we’re just lovers like all the others in Paris this weekend. As I said before, I hate the commercial side of Valentine’s Day, but as Mortimer keeps telling me, not everyone has the time to show the people around them that they love them 24/7. Today is for those of you who have busy, hectic lives to take some time to show love and make love in whatever way you want. I’ve given you a taste of how I’m going to do it and I hope you enjoy yourselves as much as we will.

If you have any questions about pushing the boundaries sexually, or how to start a conversation with your partner, VJ and I are here always and you can contact us on threeletterblog@gmail.com. We’d love to help.

– MJ