Whoreoscopes – Pisces



Pisces: Feb 19th – March 20th 

Element: Water

Quality: Mutable

Ruling Planet: Jupiter, Neptune


Pisces is apparently the final sign in the zodiac cycle, and thus melds together most if not all of the qualities of the previous 11 zodiac characteristics…so basically you’re more a sponge than a fish. But hey they both live in the ocean so it’s proximally the same thing. Apparently all of this sponging means that you’re susceptible to having an extremely sel-fish personality type focused on your own ‘inner journey’ and emotional flux as well as being annoyingly in tuna with other’s emotions around you. You are ruled by the two  planets Jupiter (King of all the gods) and Neptune (obviously because of the links to the sea); you thus tend to try and act benevolently, handing out charity to all those around you with a sense of self-importance and dreamy sense of knowing everything about everyone. Soz.

The two fish which represent the Pisces sign are equitable to the concept of the Yin and Yang; thus you tend to be a relatively balanced personality type. However you also have the tendency to switch between your two fish; one moment dreamy and lofty, the next grounded and sensible. It makes you a bit difficult to reel in. The symbol of the two linked fish also spawns a ton of puntastic aphorisms like Pisceans ‘go with the flow’ ‘don’t rock the boat ‘ and ‘don’t make waves’, I dolphinately think these puns cod do batter and we should scale back, but if you think of some batter fish puns then let minnow! (we all love puns)


So what’s in store for you this month? Apparently the Sun is in Aquarius, meaning that you Pisceans are feeling all lazy whilst swimming along in the heated waters that are kicking off 2014. In general though 2014 is the year of rebirth (how that works for a fish I’m unsure). This lazy attitude however means that you’re tending to let others take your limelight as you slip away into darkness. The beginning of Feb has filled your sign with numerous planets, so this evasion of focus allows you to take a few weeks to gather yourself internally whilst keeping a sharp ear to goings on around you. (again I don’t think fish have ears so good luck with that).


One of your ruling planets, Jupiter, is particularly lustful and “will be gracing your romance and pleasure sector, kissing your stars right up until summer” making you one frisky little fish. The new moon at the end of February will bring with it lots of opportunity for love and romance so stop being lazy and get swimming!! Perhaps take the chance to work on that Plenty of Fish profile you’ve been putting off; this is your month. Shake your genitails, shine your fins, and dive head first into a sea of lust.


If you find a spare moment between getting your eggs fertilised you’ll notice that this year is particularly fertile in terms of money and not just love. Jupiter, that horny bastard, not only will aid your filthy philandering but will give you a lucky boost in the job market, bringing you more opportunities and a constant stream of income. Luckily as you are a generally balanced individual you will be able to handle the flow of dosh and dick. The new moon will also bring in a swell of new opportunities for new projects at work, having been so orgasmically satisfied by all your new sexual exploits you’ll be able to throw yourself in with a rejuvenated energy and enthusiasm.