Talk Dirty to Me


So after being quiet for so long on the blog (apologies dear reader, but PhD deadlines were looming) I decided it would be a good idea to break the silence to talk about, well, talking.

I’m currently in a LDR (Long Distance Relationship) and as you’d probably guess, talking is the cornerstone of my relationship with Mr Donne (well that and a 5 year long friendship before we finally mooshed our genitals together in a mutually pleasing way). We speak almost every day, be it Whatsapp, texting, sexting, facebook, twitter, emails, or even the classic phonecall and occasional phone-sex, we communicate any which way we can and are the happier for it. People will tell you over and over again that communication is key for any relationship, and is especially important if you want to have good sex. What they perhaps don’t tell you is how difficult the process of learning to speak openly with yourself and your partner can be, or how long it takes to build the confidence to say ‘I want you to fuck me from behind, spank me, and pull my hair whilst I cum’.

It takes about 24 years.

There are a few phases that one has to go through before being able to comfortably and confidently tell your partner what it is that you want, when you want it, and how you want it to be done.

The most important phase is what my lovely co-blogger MJ has written about in her ‘Dear MJ‘ post; being in touch with yourself. Literally. You can’t expect some poor bloke to know how to flick your bean or twist your nipples or bite your neck or scratch your back without having touched yourself first. Invest in yourself. I’d strongly recommend buying one of the various non-intimidating Bullet vibrators as a starter toy, they aren’t large and threatening and can be used to stimulate not only your clitoris but any other of your erogenous zones. Yes I know 10 speed settings sounds a tad excessive, but believe me, you’ll be glad for the various pulsing patterns and vibrations that will send shockwaves through your body as opposed to getting hand cramp right at the crucial moment.

Once you’ve come to grips with your body and what it is that gets your juices flowing, it becomes a LOT easier to communicate that to another person. Again this process takes time; you have to fuck a lot of frogs before you end up with fairytale sex. But don’t actually fuck a frog. We talk about a lot of deviant topics here but bestiality is a no no. When you find out what you want and what you like, it gets easier to realise that the sex you had in the early days of post-virginity, wasn’t really sex, but was more a period of extended masturbation for your partner who never seemed to have an issue reaching orgasm and passing out, leaving you in the wet patch wondering why people made such a big deal out of a raw vagina and a feeling of frustration. You get trapped into a spiral of resenting your partner for failing to make you squirm like a model in a Herbal Essences advert, and resenting yourself for not being able to tell him how to do it. A recipe for disaster and self-doubt if ever there was one. But there comes a time when you just have to bite the bullet (not the vibrating one you’ve just bought) and tell them.

The problem becomes when, and how. Do you take your partner for a fancy dinner, sit across from them bathed in the warming glow of romantic candlelight, look deep into their eyes and tell them ‘you suck, no actually you don’t even suck and that’s the problem, you flail and claw and I can’t fucking take it anymore’. I always feared I would ‘ruin the moment’ by bringing up at the time that a particular move or motion wasn’t rocking my world so much as ruining my vagina. The trick is to think of it less as ruining the moment and more learning on the job. If you’re NOT having fun, if you’re NOT feeling great. Stop. It’s really not worth it. Take a pause, take their hand and guide it over your body in the way that you KNOW you like it, and it’s honestly one of the most erotic things when you can feel both your fingers inside of yourself.

I remember the first time John and I got to doing the horizontal tango, I told him where and what to do to get me going (granted we had had a lot of cider) a move he later told me was one of the best things to happen to him during sex. As we got hot and heavy I remember him whispering seductively in my ear how he wanted to make me cum, and then asked me how he should do it. I have to admit, I was a bit stumped. I’d never been asked before. I had never in all of my various sexual conquests had someone feel so invested in mutual pleasure, and it threw me. Not for long though.

Having someone that is invested in your pleasure as much as yours, makes the whole issue of dirty talk a natural step in your communication fornication. When you’re comfortable with one another, dirty talking can become second nature, you move from telling them what to do, to telling them how good it feels that they now do x, y,z. What some people get turned off about dirty talk is that they think it immediately has to range into the hardcore, but  it doesn’t have to be hardcore to be dirty, it just has to turn you on. Now I consider myself a confident, intelligent and independent woman who don’t need no man in the real everyday world, but in the bedroom there is nothing hotter to me than a man who can throw me around like his personal sex toy. I can enjoy being called a range of expletive terms, because it’s consensual and we know eachother’s limits. There’s a fantastic thread on Reddit about this by the way – much better than any crap you’ll ever read in Cosmo. The best place to start in terms of dirty talking is to think of it in terms of tenses: future, present and past. What you will do, what you are doing, and what you’ve just done. You want them to anticipate, to stay in the moment, and finally to re-live that delicious move all over again.

Finally, just remember that sex is a ridiculous, moist, squelchy act. You are banging and grinding your sensitive bits against one another in a carnal act of satisfaction, there is no perfect lighting, there is no rising crescendo in the background there is just the gentle squeak of the bed frame and the sheen of sweat on your face. Sex is fun, sex is hilarious and so is talking about it. Dirty talk feels ridiculous because it is. The more you do it the better you’ll get, the more fun you will have and the more confident you’ll become. So why not give it a go you sexy bastards?