Whoreoscopes – Taurus

(*Gasp* I’m so horny! And BEAUTIFUL)


Taurus:  April 20 – May 20

Element: Earth

Ruling Planet: Venus


Greetings Bulls, let me lead you by the horns and tell you what’s in store for you this fine month of May. Firstly a bit of background. Taurus is according to my online (I mean astrological) sources you Bulls dig rewards. You like to have stuff. Lots of it. Like a pig that is happy in shit the Bull is happy with physical goods and material pleasures. The true star sign of any good capitalist. You revel in fine dining and days out shopping with your fellow heifers (thankfully you have such strong physiques enabling you to carry all your purchases), I would just avoid the china-shop. But you don’t get the term Bull-headed from nothing, Taurus’s are the most stubborn cows out there. Your sign has a ‘Fixed’ quality, meaning that much like a 2 tonne bull, you can’t be moved very easily. Strangely however, you’re ruled by Venus, the planet of love, beauty and pleasure. Not terms one would usually associate with a stubborn old cow. So what does this month have in store for you lustful Minotaurs?


It’s May! And that means for the most of us the sun is creeping through our windows, for Taurus the Sun is coming into your Sign giving you an extra boost to achieve those goals you’ve been working towards. Apparently last month had some major astrological happenings with something going down called the ‘Grand Cardinal Cross’ where the planets Jupiter, Pluto, Mars and Uranus decided to have an intergalactic 4-way. This caused a big upheaval in everyone’s signs (also shout out to Aries who we missed last month – so many missed opportunities for ‘ram’ based puns) pulling you in various opposing directions which is understandably upsetting for a single minded Bull. Don’t worry, things are mellowing out, so once the dust settles use the time for change, start a new project or something. Take up Tango lessons, or work on your Pasodoble. 


So Taurus’s don’t only love material goods and physical possessions, they are also touchy-feely creeps who really enjoy sensual contact. Please try to refrain from tickling anyone’s udders without express permission you Horny Bastards. In the wake of the Grand Cross a time of change is upon you, if you’re shacked up in the same field with someone, kick em out. Find someone new. That’s what all these magazines are telling you. Your guiding planet Venus commands you. Take to the streets and strut your stuff, find a new partner to share your paddock. You’re worth it.

Sadly though, being  a very large and heavy mammal you aren’t dynamite in the bedroom. Your lazy conduct can grate on those who are always trying to satisfy your ever glutenous needs for material and physical pleasure so be ready for short lived love affairs. This can be upsetting, due to your fixed nature Taurus’s are prone to long term relationships and abhor infidelity. Perhaps try to not be such a selfish cow all the time and see where it gets you.


Bulls don’t have pockets, what on earth would you need money for?


– VJ


P.S. Apologies to any Aries peeps out there. I was busy last month and missed your star sign. It’s alright though. I’m sure you managed to live without it.