My Other Relationships
I’ve been meaning to write a post about friendship for a long time now. I’ve learnt a lot about friends and the different kinds of relationships you can have with people over the past year, and I thought I’d put my musings down on paper. Where do your friends come into your sexuality and sexual discovery? Is it something that should be shared exclusively with your partner, or is part of the excitement of being adventurous being able to run and talk about it with your best friend the next day? Being more openly sexual has opened up a lot of relationships for me and developed others. Talking about your deepest human desires with those you trust and rely on is important, as they will accept you for who you are and what you love, even if they don’t love it too.
Talking about sex with other people can help you gain more respect for the different ways people enjoy sex. My sister and I were already close as we’ve lived together pretty much our whole lives and are close in age. However, we’re very different, sexually, and I have only recently learnt to respect that. For a long time I viewed her as someone who couldn’t relax, someone who didn’t enjoy sex; I always had her down as someone who wouldn’t express her desires or communicate properly with a partner. Since I’ve been writing for TLB, some of which she has read, she has opened up to me and we’ve come to an understanding of each other. She’s not into what I’m into, and she doesn’t consider herself very sexual, however that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t enjoy it when it happens or doesn’t enjoy the connection with another human being. I enjoy loud, bite-y, wild sex because it’s empowering, but she enjoys closeness and loving when it comes to sex and I respect that a lot more now.
Opening up sexually means that being able to talk about sex, and being interested by sex, is a quality I now look for in a friend. Last year, not long after Mortimer and I got together, we came across a girl we both wanted to be friends with. She’s funny, interesting, kind and honest, and lovely to be around. She’s also really hot and I fancy the pants off her. Our friendship developed over a love of dancing, gin and kinky sex. I knew I really wanted to be good friends with her after we spent the day wandering around Spitalfields market just after she’d had her heart broken, and to distract her I told her about TLB. I know a lot of people who would tell me that this blog is distasteful, crude or unsuitable, but she saw straight away what we were trying to do, and wanted to hear more. Her heart is still broken. I don’t know the guy that did it, but I know she feels like she’s not worth anything unless he loves her still. It’s very difficult as a friend to watch someone feel like that, and I want so much to make her realise that she is excellent and I’m proud to know her. Oh, and as I mentioned before, she’s really hot. Our friendship started by talking about kinky sex, but I now hope to help her get back to herself and I hope that we will be discussing kinky sex for many years to come.
The biggest impact that talking about sex has had is on my relationship with VJ. If you follow us on Twitter then you’ll know that a couple of weekends ago I visited VJ while she rides out her PhD. We had an excellent weekend involving dancing, drinking and some excellent food, but we also stripped off down to our underwear and took photos of each other for John and Mortimer. We looked up popular pin-up poses to copy and it was so much fun. I laughed so much, felt really hot but mostly felt so happy that I could share this moment with my absolute best friend. I think we both went into it a little sceptical, but came out giggling and with some gorgeous photos for our special man friends. Seeing how my friend found herself most attractive, and being privy to a private part of her relationship with John means I’ve seen my best friend in a way that I have never seen her before, and I absolutely love her for it. Similarly, working with VJ on TLB means I’ve never felt more close with anyone, and I know I can ask her or tell her anything at all.
I realised that knowing someone well and having a good, strong relationship means showing your whole self, truly, to someone else. I don’t mean in a naked exposure way (though that’s fun too), I mean in a soul-bearing way. Sex and what you enjoy sexually is a part of who you are, and you don’t need to have a sexual relationship with someone to share that. We can learn so much from each other, and teach each other as well. Together we all have a huge wealth of shared experience, and finding the people you want to share your experiences with is important; important for your sexual development but also just important for life. Talking about sex helps break all the taboos surrounding it, and contribute to the wider sexual discourse that we all need in order to forge a positive path for the future. So go on, bring it up over lunch. Who cares if the woman on the next table chokes on her coffee and gives you a dirty look? Talk about sex and it’ll help you understand it better, and you’ll make some excellent friends along the way. I know I have. – MJ